Making Space for Grief
Grief is one of the most pronounced experiences we go through as humans. It can feel overwhelming and visceral - an acute awareness that someone or something important to us is no longer present in our lives. Many emotions, thoughts, sensations, and memories might arise when we feel that loss: feelings of regret, anger, deep wells of sadness, the pain of remembering, or attempts to quickly deny or accept this unwelcome new reality.
Our Attitudes & Beliefs Shape Our Experiences
Our attitudes and beliefs towards everything are informed by culture and society, family values, past experiences and more. Grief and loss is no different. Often, we’re implicitly encouraged to confine our grief to the days, weeks, or months around the loss. Or we are discouraged from connecting to and expressing our grief altogether. These attitudes are particularly rife in many modern societies. Yet, grief does not disappear in response to containment or avoidance. We still feel it in many ways but we don’t fully connect to it or express it. And so we can also feel a little more alone, confused, defective, or ashamed, along with what is already there.
Changing Our Relationship to Grief
Conversely, if we gently turn towards our grief and give the emotions, thoughts, sensations, and memories permission to arise, we tend to learn that we can move through them. We might also learn that grief is inextricably connected to love - we can’t have one without the other - and that grieving is a core human experience.
In his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, psychotherapist Francis Weller suggests that we all must undergo an “apprenticeship in grief” - a lifelong relationship to be learned and practised - rather than treating it as a problem to be resolved or a series of stages to move through. That might feel scary to some of us at first and is a pretty radical departure from how we tend to think about grief. However, we can begin to practise this in small ways. Here are a few ideas to start:
1. Remind yourself that grieving is a universal human experience
Your relationships with your loved ones, and precisely what you feel, are unique – and you are never alone in your grief. Every human has or will experience it. We are meant to grieve, just like we are meant to develop meaningful relationships. When we remind ourselves that what we’re feeling is universal and essentially human, it can feel less heavy, isolating and burdensome. It implicitly states, “I am grieving and that’s OK”.
2. Name it when it’s here
Practice expressing a little bit more about how grief is showing up for you. That can be as simple as naming what you notice to yourself, for example, “here is remembering… here is sadness…here is anger”. This is an important step towards allowing it to take its natural course.
You might also let those around you know what you’re experiencing, for example, “I’m feeling a little raw because I am thinking about Mum”. This is another important step, one towards connection.
3. Look for outside sources to understand what’s going on inside of you
Because grief is human, it is everywhere: in books, film, TV, podcasts, and more. That can sometimes feel confronting, but when the time is right we can look to these resources to help us recognise and clarify what is going on inside of us. Here are a couple of examples:
Nick Cave’s book Faith, Hope and Carnage is a beautiful depiction of how he coped with catastrophic loss and found meaning. He also regularly interacts with fans about grief and loss via his blog The Red Hand Files.
Veteran journalist Anderson Cooper hosts All There Is, an interview series with artists, writers, therapists and more, centred entirely on grief and human connection. I found Andrew Garfield’s episode particularly moving.
4. Find a dedicated outlet
Sometimes grief needs encouragement. A dedicated outlet creates enough time and space for grief to unfold and exist in whatever way it needs to. A few years ago when I was grieving my own loss, I found that my regular outlet of running became my dedicated outlet for grief. I was at the stage of feeling a bit numb and confused. When I ran, especially uphill, the more visceral and raw emotions came up. I found that I could cry through the sweat and release what felt locked inside. An outlet can also include professional support from a therapist, such as yoga or walking, or simply being in nature. There’s no right or wrong way.
Everyday Psychology has many compassionate and highly trained psychologists who understand how grief touches all of our lives in some way. If you’re navigating grief and want to connect with more formal support, please get in touch.
